Friday, 4 November 2011

A post I am writing in November

Oh, gets easier, gets harder again, gets infinitely more rewarding, gets infinitely more draining...
I would really like to get back into writing this blog because it feels like the sort of record that I want to have, but to do this reliably I'd need to have more evenings where I'm capable of something other than staring blankly at the floor recovering.
- My beloved sausage baby is approaching six months, is still the plumpest baby on the block, and has the most beautiful smile that anyone has ever had.
- He is also what I believe Dr Sears would call a "high needs baby". A really intense involvement in the world demands a high level of input from mummy when you still can't quite support yourself sitting up or reach any of the things you want or stop thinking for long enough to sleep. He has no middle gears, and I adore him for this but it's TIRING.
- Newsflash: new mother finds having a baby tiring.
- I probably don't even count as a new mother any more.
- I have been reading a little, honest, but the reason my last post has only just made it up is that it was all written in draft and somebody closed the tab without saving it so it lost the second half which was a book update, and now I can't guarantee the list would be complete, and I don't know what to do about that.
- I've changed. I don't know what I've changed to, and whether it's all for the good, but I'm definitely not the same person I was pre-bonzo.

So I have some targets that I can start pursuing as soon as he tips over six months. Definitely not in order of importance:
1. Get back into writing the blog more regularly, including updating what I've been reading, which might even encourage me to read a bit more again;
2. Work out what I'm going to do about him and work. It's clear to me that I can't possibly go back at the end of January as I'd planned, but the most I could get from my current job is up to the end of April. Maybe I could go back there part time, but I need to do some serious soul searching about this. Working 3 days a week would perhaps, at a stretch, just about pay the bills, but I don't want someone else to have my baby 3 days a week. I know he'll be a lot older then, so I need to start thinking about future-Isaac not current-Isaac, but he'll still not be big enough to tell me if he doesn't like it, or to understand why I keep leaving him. But, we need to get some income from somewhere, and if I plan ever to go back to work then I probably need not to stop completely now (I could get rusty quite fast), and there is just the tiniest bit of me that thinks a bit of adult company occasionally would be quite nice;
3. Get thin and beautiful like all the other mummies. Ha!
4. Start a super healthy eating programme so that as our baby led weaning progresses he is only eating the purest and best food, but also very economically.
5. Flap wings. Fly to moon.
6. Make sure I have my sense of perspective right. I don't know if I'm spending too much time thinking/worrying about the baby; I don't know if I'm becoming a boring person about him; I don't even know whether it's good for him to have me so attached. And I have no idea how to find out.
7. Keep up with the OU stuff so that I get my degree finished in the summer. Easy...


  1. Ooooh! I finally worked out how to read your whole entry! How exciting :) I've been wondering how you were getting on. Your description of Isaac made me chuckle, it sounds so much like Blake. It was at about 6 months that I went to a second hand toy sale and bought a hundred zillion toys because i'd heard his NEED INPUT message loud and clear. Stimulation, lots of it, keep it coming...

    The work thing is a tough one. As you say, it is so hard to figure out how you will feel about a baby who is possibly twice his current age and completely different in terms of their abilities and preferences. I remember sitting in a meeting at work hugging Blake protectively and telling them I WOULD NOT be coming back 3 days a week. By the time he was a year old I cheerfully would have done the extra day. It's really, really hard to know - but generally speaking it's not hard to change if you get it 'wrong' first off. Most people I know have ended up satisfied with their work/baby balance, whether they are full time, part time or no time.

    Oh apparently I am going to be signing this anonymously - oooh, what an exciting mystery for you :)

  2. Oh, and further to the work point - we hit a point at about 9 months where it changed from 'keep my baby close to me at all times' to - 'by god, this baby needs more than me!'. He *needed* the stimulation and interaction of nursery - and still does, he was devestated when I told him he couldn't go to pre-school for a whole 6 weeks in the summer...

  3. Oh, dear not-very-anonymous commenter, thank you for understanding.
    I can't imagine him moving beyond desperate howling when I leave the room so it's so very useful to have some reassurance that babies grow up and change.
    (Not in the "I wish my baby would change" way, just in the "will the world always be so frightening to him?" way and the "how am I supposed to earn a living if I can't put him down?" way)