It's not meant to have such a tone of weariness as perhaps it does, but I'm feeling weak and irresolute about more new starts.
We moved house last week, away from a nice enough but damp rented place on one side of Bath to an owned, warm place on the other side. The house is going to be great - it's not the kind of place you'd fall in love with, but it's got space (I have my own study!) and a garden with a bit of room but not too much, and a big greenhouse, and lots of toilets (this seems to be the part that's most impressing bonzo).
I suppose just thinking back to other posts, I'm struggling to gather strength for all that newness again. When we first moved to Bath I found it so hard to drag us out to meet people: I remember making pathetic little hand-drawn calendars desperately filled up with any kind of group I could find, just so I'd feel we had somewhere to go to, and I remember coming home and making little notes whenever I met a new mother and child, her name, the child's name, something that might help me remember them....it was all a bit "like me, like me" but still with all that effort it was hard hard hard, hard to overcome my current natural introversion and force myself out there.
And now it's the same all over again. Our nearby neighbours seem friendly but are a whole generation older than us (at least), and we're on a cul-de-sac so I'm not even seeing people walking past. Bonzo's had the chicken pox so in our first week here we didn't leave the house, but now that we can I'm too shy, I'm too tired, I can't build up the resolve.....we managed a walk to the shop this afternoon but I'm starting to think my mouth's sealing up, I can't just initiate a conversation, I can barely talk.
Such a negative take, and not really how I feel, but somehow the comfort of the internet's just what I need at the moment. Perhaps I'll get it all out of my system here so that I won't, when I finally meet some people here, let out a huge splurge of incoherent self-pitying rambling that will have them backing away and making excuses...
The latest attempt at baby number 2 is progressing well, though - 26 weeks now, so I'm impressively bulky and it's starting to feel believable.
I swear I'll be back to this again soon with something more positive, or at least better written and more interesting. Perhaps the incentive of having such a gloomy post on the front of my blog will be enough to make me write something again soon and knock it off....
I found a link to you in my "stats." I like this post a lot. I like its honesty, and I adore you for your reclusive tendencies. I'm a terrible hermit, but quite happy to be so. My daughter is in college (she is home on spring break, but she's staying with her papa since I had her the month of Christmas break), and since I'm currently working from home, I have days when I don't need to leave the house. So I don't. It's not that good for me, though. Our weather on this side of the "pond" (sorry, bad cliché) has, until recently, been my enabler. Good luck finding your people. They are out there. Many of mine are Internet friends, but we are very close and sometimes see each other in person.
ReplyDelete26 weeks! What's gloomy about that?
ReplyDeleteThere are always gems to find in a new location. It just sometimes takes time. I've always been impressed by mothers of small children who can occupy themselves at home happily. When I had small children, my need to get out of my house and meet other adults was huge. I admired self-sufficiency in others.
It was lovely to read your latest blog post, because I love reading your posts - although of course I'm not saying that I'm happy to hear that you're feeling rather negative!
ReplyDeleteMe: I just embrace my introversion and limit most of my interactions to like-minded souls :-) [Though I do push myself out of my comfort zone from time to time, and yes, I find it hard too, but I'll do it if I think it's worth it.] Hugs to you xxx